Melanie- Where are you tonight?

Melanie C. I have been you most faithful, loyal fan. I can't stop playing the new CD. Your 4th and my favorite.

I have loved you since I first saw you 11 yrs. ago in that silly girl group...the obvious shining star ...you shined so briefly in the USA...but I never forgot you.

Oh, how sad I was when that red-haired harlot abandoned all of you. Why did Girl Power take a back seat?

But how glad I was when you became the Northern Star, your true light shining through. No one eclipsing your starlight, star bright.

I remember the night I saw you, 10 feet from me, happy as can be...I was awestruck! Your show was amazing, and I was glowing for days. My girlfriend was not a fan but was against the stage dancing with me anyway, she knows how I love you...

And so funny but true, she looks just like you... a coincidence I am sure. ?!?! We are celebrating 8 years so I guess it must be true.

Most puzzling to me is why you are not popular here in the US? I don't understand and don't truly care to pay extra for an import CD but I will make the sacrifice. I just wish you would come to New York City again for a show as a thank you to the many loyal NY fans you have. We love you so much and wish to see you again it has been too long.

The new Cd has me thinking about you again, I hate that we have no news about you here, I don't know anything about you anymore...are you married?...are you happy?...where are you tonight?

I guess basically what I want to say is that at least one woman in the USA believes Girl Power is alive and well( I have the tattoo to prove it) and missed you.

And I really love This Time.

I don't heart Mondays!!

It's 3 a.m. om Monday morning and of course I can't sleep. Today is my first day back to work after a 3 month absence. I wrecked my knee and was under strict orders to sit on my ass and watch tv. No problem, Doctor. That I can do! Probably better than anything else. I am a world champion sitter, and nobody can watch TV better than I can.
Problem, my work pants are a tad bit too tight now....oops! I tried to stay away from those chocolate chip cookies, How the hell do they know my name anyway???? And why do they seem to call for me in the middle of the night? Drinking gallons upon gallons of wine probably didn't help much either. Oh well, I guess it just gives me incentive to use my often neglected gym membership, now that I have Dr.'s ok that is.
But even more troubling than that, I have to go to work for the first time in a long time and yet again on next to nothing sleep. Grand sleep total this weekend...15 hrs since Friday.
Will this insomnia ever end???????

Hollywood's Closet

I am so sick of celebrities flip-flopping about their sexual orientation. Yes, I agree they should not be forced out of the closet. I don't believe in the gossip columnists who throw open the closet doors and pull out anyone they see lurking underneath the skirts.
However I do believe that to promote freedom in this country, the world even, means the gay community standing strong together. There will be no progress in our struggle without some courage on the part of Americas gay public figures. Where is all of the courageousness people always boast they have?

How can you stand by quivering in the closet when your brothers and sisters are living a life of deprivation? The only way for homophobic fucks to realize the error of their ways is to show them that we are real people too. What will they say when they realize their favorite movie star is a fag? What will they think if they find out their favorite waitress at the diner is a muff-diver? Their receptionist at work is in a long term committed relationship with a woman? Their Doctor is in love with a man? Their sister is living an inauthentic life?

They only path to true acceptance is to make the people who are so prejudiced against us to see that we are everywhere and we are real. We are your mothers, fathers, brothers, cousins,sisters, co-workers, employers, policemen....etc.

What better way than to put yourself out there as a celebrated personality. Why let the fear of your ostracism take control of you living your own full life? Why would you do that? Do you want to look back at age 80 and feel uncontrollable sadness that you never were truly yourself? Because really if you are so afraid of not being able to work in a medium that will reject you for being gay, then why would you want to even be a part of something like that in the first place?!!???

So come out, come out where ever you are and stand strong with your brothers and sister and we will see what strength in numbers can do.

right to life

I don't understand people who believe they have the right to make major life decisions for you. The right to life people in this country are so convinced they know what is in your own best interest. They swear that they have God on their side, and anyone who is pro-choice is dancing with the devil. They believe that being pro-choice is being pro murder.
I do not know one person in the entire world who is pro murder, even the pro-choice people I am acquainted with. What kind of logic is that? The choice to end a pregnancy is an agonizing, scary decision for a woman, and I for one am so tired of sanctimonious people making women feel like they are pariahs for making the best decision for themselves.
I never had to have an abortion, but I know women who have had to make that decision. I know that they did not make it lightly. The idea that you had to make an agonizing choice in your life that you knew you would feel uncertain for forever and then later demonized for it is heartbreaking.

This country is sadly unravelling. The commander in chief is the biggest embarrassment and blight on this country's history. Many of the world's population hate us, but they don't know that 78% of Americans do not support that dumb fuck bush. His followers are the sanctimonious, the right-to-lifers, the religious zealots that want to control everyone else's lives. Just don't look in their closets.

All grown-up?

How exactly will I know when I have officially grown-up and become an adult? Sure chronologically I am 30 yrs. old, but you know that IS the new 20...so...
I feel justified in my immaturity. I still want to play hooky from school get drunk with my friends in the park and troop off together to find a tree that is safe to pee behind. Don't peek!

Will I wake up one day and actually be fine with going to work? I can't imagine a day that the alarm will go off and I will spring out of bed ready to face all of the duties and responsibilities of my ever increasingly complicated life.

It's so much easier to just watch my TiVo suggestions, curl up with my dog-who never judges- and eat cookies for breakfast.

Will there ever be a day that I will wake up and feel no frustration or annoyance with having to have my carefully planned meals packed for the day. The freedom of not caring what or when you eat is so liberating. I don't want to count out half cup servings of fruits and veggies so I get all of my vitamins, minerals etc... Why is be healthy so complicated all of a sudden? Why isn't wine considered a serving of fruit? Then I would have no problem.

Will I ever get to the point where bill paying feels fulfilling? And fart jokes are no longer funny? And sleeping becomes an effortless task?

Maybe adulthood doesn't mean what it used to mean when we were kids. Maybe the adulthood that I am creating for myself is a perfectly acceptable version.

Or maybe I am just a boozy, lazy, sarcastic kid stuck in the body of an adult. Maybe I am just a pretender. But I think I'm not alone.

duped

I was duped a few days ago. I went onto a web site looking to make some lesbian pen pals from other countries. My partner goes to sleep pretty early. My heart was bleeding reading about this poor woman 55-ish from a midwest red state who was struggling with her sexuality and religious beliefs. I reached out to her because I know that I still have traces of the catholic guilt I grew up with. At 30 years old. When I haven't been to church on a regular basis for the better part of 15 years.

However, I digress..."Diane Blaine" ...poor tortured Christian Lezzie....She wrote me back. Her exact words were something like "Do you believe you chose to be gay?" " How do you think God feels about your homosexuality?" I had such a bad feeling in my gut about her but my wanting to be a good person won out. I answered her questions as best I could. I told her that I was born a lesbian, that God must love me...why else would I exist?
I have not thought much about God or religion to be honest, for many years to say the least. I truly believe that I am living the life I was destined to live and if I am wrong I will have to deal with those consequences later. I don't think I am though.
Back to "Diane Blaine".
I received a response from her a day later. I have to admit I was surprised to see 2 emails from her, but I thought maybe she was enthusiastic to connect with someone who had compassion for her situation and was coming from a position of acceptance and caring. Nothing could have prepared me for the emails I actually received.

"Diane Blaine" addressed me not by my name but as DDD...which I later figured out means double-dong dyke! I don't even have one of those, I am really not that coordinated, the dyke part I will admit to. Although I am definitely much more femme. But, whatever. I was condemned to hell in the email, told that "I will burn for all eternity. I am what is wrong with America. I am worse than the terrorists who took down our precious towers here in NY". That's the one that really got me upset.
The ranting went on for several paragraphs. I was amazed with her wealth of knowledge on the practices of lesbian sex. She told me " maybe your priest will think it's OK to eat you partner's pussy on Fridays!" And much more explicit things I will not repeat. I thought it was so amazing that someone who was so righteous, ha ha would know how lesbians even had sex.
Hmmmm, who exactly are we kidding here?

Needless to say I was deeply saddened by this turn of events. I could not shake the deep sadness I felt the entire evening. My partner could not even shake it off of me. When you put yourself out there and are rejected so brutally even at such a distance as the WWW it really rocks you. That was the first time I had truly faced homophobia of that type up close and personal. And I cannot say it didn't affect me, even with New York City tough exterior...it hurt.

My response was equally brutal...I am an Aries ram after all. I will head butt you with my opinions until you surrender!!!
After a few choice words I simply told her self-righteous faux-pious ass this:


Ultimately when judgement day comes do you think God will judge me for loving or judge you for hating?